My Elijah

At least when you live with five kids life is not boring. Elijah is so full of life. Not only does he see the glass half full he thinks he can fit in it if he dives from high enough up. All my children have special gifts. His are endurance and tenacity. He never gives up. He never gives in. And he alway gives everything he's got. I am trying to learn from him.

I can not tell you how many different projects I have begun in my life. Only to quit once I got bored or something better came along. As I travel on this journey of self discovery I hope to stay the course. I want to fight the good fight. I dont want to look back at what might have been. I want to keep looking to the future and all that it holds. I am going to remind myself daily to be more like Elijah. Thank you God for my son and the blessing that he is to me.

Good Morning Holy Spirit

I read a book one time entitled "Good Morning Holy Spirit." I started off thinking it was such a bizare thing to say. As I read the book that simple statement took on more and more relevance in my life. I began to understand the writer's motivation for the statement.

God's word tells us that He wants to be a friend who is closer than a brother. Wow! We look throughout our entire life in search of true friendship and God has been offering it to us all along. And how does he communicate that friendship to us? Through the Holy Spirit. If I allow God to be the friend to me that he desires to be then I need to treat him like a true friend. I wouldnt ignore my friends. Or forget to call on them. Friends desire our communications and companionship and so does God.

So it is with a glad heart that I say "good morning Holy Spirit and thank you for being my friend." Nothing in this life compares to walking in the presence of God. And knowing he is always there and guiding my steps.



Today's Dream

I want to walk with God today. I want to be sensitive to his presence in my life. Lord, help to hear your voice and follow you where ever you may lead me.

Hot and Ready

Church went great. Ken Freeman delivered tonights message and he did an amazing job. It is always wonderful to go to church and leave feeling uplifted and encouraged. So many things in life tear down our spirit and eat away at our soul. To be edified is truly a blessing from God. A blessing for which I am grateful.

I am so grateful for so many things in my life. God has blessed me with beautiful, healthy, smart children. I have a wonderful Godly husband who loves me. Although, I want alot of things, I NEED nothing. I have amazing friends. And Krispy Creme turns the light on for me so I will know when they are hot and ready. My life is good!!!!

Snapshots of My Life.

Today has been a wonderful day. We have managed to accomplish quiet a bit. I did crossing guard this morning. When I left there I went to the grocery store, bank and to get gas. It really is much faster to get those things done when you don't have to get five children in and out everywhere you go. At home we had a usual morning, breakfast, clean up and school. We left around 11:30 to pick up lunch and to go to Halls for registration for the new North Knox Classes. Now we are back home and ready for dinner. Its going to need to be something quick. Church starts in two hours.

Life just seems to go by so fast. I look at my children and I can believe how quickly they are growing up. I can not believe that I have been married for over fifteen years or that we have owned this house for eight years. It really is beyond my comprehension. Even the hours of the day go by so unbelievably fast. It is becoming more evident to me how imperative it is to live in the moment. I want to remember the details of my life. I don't want to ever forget Isaac's smile when I tell him I love him. Elijah's excitement over playing a game with his Dad. The way Grace rolls her eyes when you explain something to her (I am not saying I like it. I just don't want to forget it.) Zion's extremely cute funky chicken dance. Or Aaron's knock knock jokes. These are the moments that make my life worth living. My children are the things that I am willing to die for. I don't want these moments to get lost in the chaos of daily life.

Today's Dream

I want to be able to capture each memory as though is were a snapshot of life. I want to Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably .And never regret anything that made me smile

Just Breathe.

Whew!!! I am able to breathe. I just said goodbye to my in laws. I am not going to allow myself to fall into the oh woe is me trap. Suffice it to say I am glad they have gone home and life can get back to some since of normalcy. Not that my life is normal in any fashion of the word. But there is a way which seems "normal" to me. Especially being able to wonder freely in my own home or take a bath without worrying that someone will walk in (trust me this is a very real possibility.) They know no bounds, literally.

Oh well, I am going to move on and enjoy what is left of my day. Today is my extremely busy day. Grace goes to dance. Elijah has guitar, karate, and swim. Isaac has karate. And I try not to have a mental break down. That was a joke. But they say that humor is just a cloak for truth. As I go about my tasks today I am going to remind myself to live in the moment and enjoy every second of it. I will make every effort to speak from a heart of love and correction not anger or criticism . I better get off here and start praying because Lord knows I am going to need his help!!

Digging Deeper

This day has been somewhat trying. Dealing with extended family always seems to be that way. I am going to resist the temptation to complain or whine about my inlaw situation. Trust me it is taking everything that is within me to restrain myself. I dont want this blog to be a forum for myself to vent. The purpose of this blog is to help me search my heart and find my dreams. I want to dig deeper into my own soul. I want to find out what things in my life are worth living for. And what is simply there to steal my time and my joy.

Now, following the lead of my "inspiration" I am going to ask myself to do a little soul searching.

What things in my life would I be willing to die for?

What things in my life can I live without?

What things in my life are bringing me joy?

What things in my life are stealing my joy?

Getting Busy

Just another crazy day in my life. I have so much that I need to get done. So what do I do? I set down to blog. I really have found this to be one of the truly therapeutic activities in my life. When I get to stressed I read my own entries in my blog. It helps me to redirect my thoughts and focus on what is important. It is almost as though writing is down somehow makes it more meaningful. I feel as if I have a responsibility to honor my thoughts once that have been put out there for others to read. Talk about accountability. I can tell myself all day long to be more patient and to live in the moment. However once those thoughts are in front of me in black and white they take on a certain power in my life. I can have the best of intentions but, if I don't act on them then they don't serve me in any way. I guess the old saying rings true, "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. "

Words from the Heart

Today has indeed been a day of rest. We slept a little late then got up and ready for church. We went to the late service and it was really crowded. Ken Freeman was preaching and he did a good job as usual. He is very funny and very literal. It is refreshing to hear someone different occasionally. And unlike last Sunday I was able to keep my mind from wondering.

His message was on the heart. He talked a lot about what comes out our mouth is from the overflow of our heart. I have been thinking about that today. As I have spoken to my children and my husband I tried to listen to my words. I ask myself if I was speaking in love, anger, or indifference. I caught myself getting angry with one of my children for their actions. I stopped for a moment to consider my words. I thought about my choice of words. Were they correction or criticism? What was my intent? What was really in my heart?

Today's Dream

I want to speak to my children, my husband, my friends and even myself from a heart of love and respect. I want to be very decisive in the words I choose to let come out of my mouth. To once again be in the moment and take the time to think before I speak. That each and every word would glorify the Lord.

Life is good.

Yesterday turned out to be great. I started off a little overwhelmed at the magnitude of things I had to get done. However I took my own advice and choose to live in the moment. I approached my to do list one item at time. And amazingly everything went smoothly and I didn't get stressed. It was wonderful and life was good.

I CHOOSE to find the joy in each task I completed, no matter how mundane. Even getting everyone dressed seem to be a new treat. I took time to tickle Aaron as I put on his clothes. His pure and innocent laughter brought sheer joy to my heart. I had Zion label all his body parts as he put on his clothes. I cracked up as he proudly stated "this is my cutie bootie." I arrived a little early to pick up Grace from dance class. I took a few minutes to just sit and watch her. I was very proud of how hard she tried and how graceful she looked. Elijah went home for a few hours with his friend Gabe. I am pleased at how much he is trying to be a good friend. And then there's Isaac, his smile alone captures my heart.

We had Isaac's sixth birthday party at the YMCA pool. It was a miracle. I did not stress it, not for one minute!! I sat back and enjoyed watching the children and being with my friends. It was the perfect ending to a great day. Amid all the activity of the day, I stood still for a moment and found the joy and peace that exists in my life everyday. Joy and peace that is always there but I am too busy to notice.

This Moment

At this moment in time I am choosing to be happy. Deciding that all things in my life are of my own choosing has gave me the freedom I needed to live in the moment. Nothing external has happened to change my life. But internally I have set my self free. Free to be happy. Free to make choices that I need to make. And as corny as it sounds I am free to be me.

So what am I going to do with this new found freedom? Where will it take me? How will it change my life and those who love me? Only God knows!!

For today it takes me to better understanding of what I need in my life. It takes me to a new found dependence on God's will for my life. It allows me to live in the moment. Be grateful for my past. And dream of my future.

TRUTH

Well Scarlot was right. Today was fresh and new. I began the day with a new outlook. I tried extremely hard to focus on what is important, what is of value, and what is true in my life. Because at that end of the day that's all the really matters.

So what had importance, value, and truth in my life today? Grace made a 98 on her language arts test today, now that's important! I found a check in my coat pocket for $58, now that has value. My husband loves me, that has tremendous value! God is still on throne and in control, NOW THAT IS TRUTH!!!

It's the dreams that propel us forward. It's that dreams that give us the strength to go on another day and to dare to believe in what could be. But, its the TRUTH that sustains us. Only when we operate in truth are able to be content in the moment. I never want to stop dreaming. It was the search for my dreams that started me on this journey. There are dreams of what was and of what is yet to be. But, we cant live in the past or the future. Today is what is real, what is now, what is TRUE. Happiness doesn't exist in "once upon a time" or in "some glad day." Real happiness occurs when we take the time to live in the moment.

Tomorrow is Another Day

Oh my word! This has been one heck of a day. It has been extremely frustrating. One of those days where everything has a way of going askew. You know I started off thinking today was going to be somewhat relaxed. I should know better than to assume anything when it comes to my life. I should know by now that I am not in control.

Those who know me, know that I have major control issues. Its hard for me let go and let God operate in my life the way he wants to. I often don't know where my will ends and His begins. Does anyone know that? I guess that's why I get so frustrated when things don't go as I think they should. I would be much better off to realize that God is in control and that all things work to the good of those that love the Lord.

However I did say that I was going to dream for the future and not the past. Since this day has come to a close I will leave it in the past. I am going to take from it what I can. We did after all make it to the end of the day with no injuries, no illness, no one ran over me at crossing guard, we had food to eat and a warm house to come home to.

And in the words of Scarlot O'Hara "tomorrow is another day."

Choosing my Dream

Wow, a new day. I am trying to remind myself of my goal. I want to continue searching myself. I want to continue to dream, to explore, and grow in Christ. I need to keep myself on track. I pray that by writing my thoughts down on this blog I will hold myself accountable to them.

Today is not as busy as yesterday. But it will be busy, of course! We have homeschool, I have to work at the school, do the daily tasks, and go to church. Not too bad of a schedule, and I am thankful. I am grateful for everyday that my children and husband are healthy and happy.

I have decided that living my life is a choice. I didn't have to get up this morning and go to work, fix breakfast, and care for my children. But I choose too, because I love my family. So going back to my original intent for this blog, today I am choosing to dream again. I will not dream of lost love, missed opportunities, or forgotten desires. I will CHOOSE to dream of a future for my husband, for my children and yes even for me. I well choose again today to find TIME for myself so that I have time to dream.

Today's Dream:

To look to the future and all that God has instore for me. That as I choose my dreams I will make wise choices based prayerful consideration of God's purpose for my life.

Finding Time To Dream

Finding time to dream has proved to be somewhat of a challenge. But I was determined!!! I tried several times to find a few moments to steal away but it my efforts all seemed in vain. Someone always needs something. Praise God I didn't give up.

Finally, I told my husband I was going to take a bath and that he need to watch the children. I made a huge hot bubble bath, lit a few candles and put on some wonderful music. I was in my own little sanctuary. Life is good.

There I took the time to contemplate on the things in my life. I thought about what I wanted for my life. I realized that looking back on past dreams was counter productive. It is not as if I could go back and change anything. Nor would I. I love my life, my children and my husband. I especially love my God and the wonder of the life he has given me. So not only am I going to dream a dream for me today, I am going to dream for the future. Not for what could have been but for what is yet to be.

Time to Dream

Today is going to be one crazy day. We start the day getting dressed, brushing teeth, and making beds. Then fix and eat breakfast (when fixing a meal for seven people there is no such thing as quick and easy.) Then school time. After school comes lunch, again not an easy task for five kids. Even sandwiches are a major undertaking when it requires an entire loaf of bread plus all the fixings. Of course, no one eats their sandwich the same way!!! Then we are off to take Grace to the Dancer's Studio. I drop her off at 1:30. Back home to finish Elijah's school. Then off the the dojo to work and Elijah has guitar and Isaac has Violin. We leave there at 3:45 to pick up Grace. Then back to do jo for Karate class. We then go home fix and eat dinner. Then we are on the road again. Elijah has swim clinic at 7:00.

No wonder I stopped dreaming. I don't have the time to think let alone dream. But, again today I will make a choice to dream a dream for me!!! I have decided to start small. Hopefully, this will allow me to grow and not feel so overwhelmed by my own inability to achieve what God has called me to.

Today's Dream:

Today I will dream of TIME! Time spent not on others but myself. Time to be with God. Time to search my soul. Time to find my DREAM!

Journey to the Dream

As I begin my soul searching today I am sitting in front of the Television. Not the place one generally goes for great in site. However, today is MLK day and the TV is consumed with programs about his life. Every channel I turned to I would hear those ever famous words "I Have a Dream."

Once again I am forced to ask myself if I have a dream. I am choosing this day to dream a dream for myself. Not for my children or for my family but for me!!

But what does a wife and a mother of five children dream about if it is not her family? What drives me? What makes me want to get up in the morning? I truly don't know how to answer these questions. I get up because I have to go to work. I keep pushing each day because my family needs me. I try to do what's Holy and acceptable because I want God to find me worthy to stand in the gap and make up the hedge for those I pray for. I try to look nice because I want those I love to be proud of me. So, what am I doing for me?

Since having children I always assumed doing things for myself was a selfish act. I am realizing that by not taking time for myself I am teaching my children that I don't have value. That in and of itself is a disservice to myself and them. How do I teach them to dream if I am not setting the standard and preparing the way. So I digress, today I choose to dream a dream for me.

The Journey to my dream:

I want to know and understand what responsibility I have in accepting the gift of salvation in my life.I want to fully understand the price that God paid for my atonement. And what I am to do with the privilege of being a child of the KING.

Amazing G"race"

I just couldn't resist the temptation of taking time to write down my thoughts just one more time today. At the suggestion of my friend, otherwise known as the inspiration, I watched the Amazing Race. I was told that the young girl named Rachael was nothing less than a replica of my daughter Grace.

I tuned in with the anticipation of seeing what others see in my daughter. As I began to watch my mind began to wonder. This seems to be an on going problem for me today. I began to think about Grace. What I wanted for her in this life. How I pray that she walk daily in the presence of God. My hearts desire for her is that she hears and recognizes the voice of God in her life. And that as she hears His voice she will submit her life to HIS will.

Maybe I haven't stopped dreaming. Maybe, just maybe, I dream for her now! Does dreaming for my daughter require that I stop dreaming for myself? She is after all an extension of me. Do my dreams simply fulfill themselves in her? If so, is it not a lot to expect her to fulfill my dreams as well as her own?

WOW! I think this is something I am really going to have to pray about. I hope I am prepared to hear the answer! There is nothing quiet as scary as knowing God is going to show you something. Especially, if you feel unprepared to see it.

Dreams

I got up this morning and ate a wonderful breakfast fixed by my loving husband. What a treat. Then we all headed off to church. I found my thoughts quickly wondering during the morning sermon. I try to stay focused but sometimes my mind finds a place to think in the quietness of the sanctuary. The voice of the pastor is almost nonexistent in comparison to the voices of the five children that I usually hear.

I began to contemplate on what I had written down in my blog last night. I began to think about the dreams I had as a child. I thought about how they had changed as I became a teenager. I found it hard to recall what they even were. I remember as a young girl I wanted to be a teacher. When I was in high school I dreamed of moving to New York. I wanted a penthouse apartment over looking the city. I planned on becoming a lawyer and wanted everything I thought that life would entail. Marriage and children never entered my mind.

When did I stop believing in those dreams? Did I stop dreaming or did the dream just change? I am trying to figure out just what are my hopes for the future now. What are my dreams at this very moment? Do I even have any? If so what are they and how do I realize them. I am treating this blog as a means to an end. I just dont know where it will take me or what the end will be. But it is a fine thing to be on a journey.

My inspiration

I must admit I have been inspired!! I went online to read my friends blog and found myself totally engrossed in what she had created!!! She had rediscovered herself. How I long to do that. I have had this special friend for most of my life. She has always been a source of comforting and uplifting conversation and ALWAYS good for a laugh. Now, in the particularly unusual time in my life she has become my inspiration. It is for this reason I am beginning my blog.

We start at a very young age keeping journals and dairies. We write our thoughts, our dreams, our true HEARTS DESIRE inside and hold them dear. In those precious books we pour out our inner most feelings. On the pages we live out hopes for the future, we plan and even scheme.

As we get older we stop buying dairies. We have less time write down our thoughts. Our plans for the future give way to plans for tonight's dinner. Our dreams for our life give way to the reality of daily life. Unfortunately, we stop writing down our thoughts, our dreams, our true HEARTS DESIRE. We even lose track of what they were to begin with.

It is my DREAM that with this blog I will rediscover MY HEARTS DESIRE.